Social Intelligence 101 + A Case for Africa

“Ma!” “Nima!” “Enma!” “Nama!”

By the third day of my first week of #graduate school, I knew I had to whip up a way to teach people how to say my name. It was apparent to me that my full name – Nmasinachi – was about to go on a long break, but “Nma” would stay, and it would have to stay right. My name is the primary point of entry into my world of experiences – my heritage, my identity, and my aspirations. Amidst a throng of people from all over the world, with barely a Nigerian in sight, I had to teach people to acknowledge my place in their world while experiencing mine with as much authenticity as possible.

During the next round of class introductions for a new course, I found myself guiding others to experience me as I intended, rather than merely introducing myself. “My name is Nma Agada. It’s pronounced ‘mmm-ah’. There’s a little hum to it before the ‘ah’. I’m Nigerian. Bla Bla Bla…” Everyone laughed, and most repeated the name. There, many made room through language for someone different than them. Paradigms shifted just a little, but enough to ignite more meaningful interactions that made for broader horizons.

Diversity can be hard to navigate in so many ways. All of a sudden, you have to challenge your conditioning, your palette, your emotions, your vocabulary, and most importantly, your core values. The truth, however, is that navigating diversity is about you as much as it is about the people around you and the rhythm of change that is inevitable. According to Wikipedia, “social intelligence is the capacity to know oneself and to know others. Social intelligence (SI) develops from experience with people and learning from successes and failures in social settings.” SI wasn't something I was intentional about until I became a part of the Elliott School of International Affairs, meeting people from countries I’d barely heard about. The threads that wove in and out of the fabrics of my consciousness became a jumble of colors and textures so glaringly different from what I am spun from, yet making for a delightful tapestry. To maximize this experience, I became mindful of the nature and scope of my interactions with others.

SI is about tact - timing, empathy, respect for others, genuine curiosity, and the sense to observe and truly learn where the pieces of yourself and others’ can fit neatly, and what you need to protect from overexposure. I start by saying people's names correctly, then ask where they’re from and listen. I share similar experiences with them and let the tides of commonness flow where they will. I reach for the doorways to which they’d probably hand me the keys – their food, weddings, stories - and, where I can, I actually try to experience these for myself. Thank God most of my new friends and colleagues are proud foodies.

Professionally speaking, I have learned that meaningful connections supersede the number of cards you’re able to get out of a networking event. People are more willing to guide others than we know, and to merely throw a bunch of information at them with the intent of scoring points for your goals takes away from that. Be willing to give of your time, skills, knowledge, opinions, and even listening ears, as honestly and consistently as possible. Put your strengths forward, but acknowledge what remains work in progress. Deliver on your commitments even if what you promised is attention. Contribute to people not if you can, but when you can; almost every one of us has something valuable to offer the next person.

You cannot merely read this up. Social intelligence is harnessed through intentional self-leadership, which is applied, amongst other things. It is consistently seeking to be your better self and giving others room to do the same. It is becoming your own Ambassador but acknowledging that others deserve representation too.

Now that you hopefully agree with me that social intelligence is paramount to maximizing both our personal and professional lives, I would like to make a case for my fellow Africans in the diaspora. Consider this a rare, common-sense guide to interacting with Africans in the 21st century.

1.      Understand that Nobody Speaks African

If I got a dollar for every time I heard the words, “You’re Nigerian? Do you speak African?”, I’d be halfway to my 3-year financial goal. Yes, I am Nigerian. No, I do not speak Nigerian or African. I speak Igbo. Yes, no other African speaks African. No, Afrikaans is not the same as African.

Most African countries are multiethnic, meaning that on the continent, there are thousands of distinct languages and even more dialects within them. Social intelligence is about tact, and articulating certain assumptions about people is no longer excusable.

2.      Stop Wondering Aloud About How Africans Manage to Speak Western Languages

English is my native language because it is the first language that I learned. All my programs were installed in English. I still meet people whose jaws drop when I say that English is the lingua franca in Nigeria. Remember the colonial era? The integration of Western languages into African sociocultural systems was a huge part of it. In essence, most Africans are at least bilingual, speaking an indigenous language and either English, French, Portuguese, or Arabic, depending on their countries of origin.

It gets even better when I say that I am bilingual, and some folks hear that my second language is Igbo. Indigenous languages are languages. Period!

 3.      Realize that if Cinderella Doesn’t Inform Your Constructs on Life in the West, Neither Should Tarzan on Life in Africa

I’m over the questions about whether we have pet lions or Ziploc bags, chicken nuggets, and all things 21st-century. Granted, many of these commodities and experiences might be imported or adapted to African contexts, but they are still available on the continent. Sophisticated technology, architecture, market systems, political systems, cultures, and people are on the continent and are accelerating and evolving ever so rapidly. Cocks still crow, but they’re not the national alarm clocks in African countries.

To view Africa as crude and simplistic is not only fallacious but also responsible for the misrepresentation of the continent and its people. More so, it leaves little room for you to experience the true capabilities of people who are dynamic, brilliant, and very often, eager to experience you too.

 4.      Stop with the Patronizing, Overly Romanticized Expressions on Africa

Maybe this is just me, but I do not appreciate flattery, especially when it is built on bogus curiosity, praise, or interests. Stop overburdening every conversation with an African with words like the motherland and colorful language filled with generalizations about the continent based on your experience in one village or city. You do not need to dress like the Prince of Zamunda on your first date with an African woman. You will never maximize relationships without authenticity.

Truly, this has been one of the guiding principles through which I’ve established rewarding partnerships and relationships in my first year of graduate school. I have so much more to learn, but carrying this intelligence in my consciousness and treating others with these same considerations has opened me up to learning experiences that I will probably not be able to quantify in years to come. As young professionals, we cannot wish this aspect of our journey away, especially in such an interwoven world where fragments of who we are have more reach than ever thought possible by humanity.

Thank you for staying with me till the end of this post. Do share your thoughts and stories on how you’ve navigated these same issues.

Cheers.

[This piece was originally written and published on May 9, 2020, as the first installment of my "One Year Down" series on LinkedIn]