A 3-Credit Course in Things Nobody Tells You

The timepiece on my phone reads 3.07 pm, and I’m half-running down the street on a sweltering summer day. The Fairfax Connector that I commute on to the metro line that takes me to DC is scheduled to stop at the bus stop at 3.21 pm. It takes me an average of 20 minutes to walk to the bus stop, and I already know that my chances of catching the bus are drastically reducing by the second. I am walking as fast as I can, trying to ignore the throbbing in my back from hauling a backpack four times a week. I’m frantically checking the time and sweating just as fervently. Again, it’s a sweltering summer day. Panting and praying that I haven’t missed the bus, I’m looking ahead from the direction that the bus should arrive from. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the bus coming from behind on the opposite lane of the freeway. Apparently, I missed the bus when it arrived on this lane; it had already completed its route and turned onto the other lane, heading back to the train station. “Hey!” I yelled, waving hysterically and giving chase. I ran and called after the bus's receding rear lights. I missed it again. I would be awfully late for class. This week, between trying to master my schedule and the long hours spent commuting, it feels like I’m constantly chasing receding rear lights. I sat at the bus station and, for the first time since I came to the United States, I cried.

For the next month, I did my best to leave at least 26 minutes before the bus arrived. Every day, I’d walk briskly, forcing hot, humid air into my lungs as I begged the sun to be kinder. Getting home at night was better; I’d take a rush-hour bus route that stopped me just 8 minutes from home. Unfortunately, my daytime commute was excruciatingly dreadful.  So, imagine the mix of surprise, relief, and anger that I felt when I later found out that the same bus I’d trekked 30 minutes to catch actually passed through another stop that was 4 minutes away from my home. Four minutes! Nobody told me! Did nobody think to tell me?

Over the past year in graduate school, I confirmed the truth that lurks in our consciousness: life is a series of “Nobody told me” moments. When people casually say “adulting is a scam”, this is what they mean. So, if we all know it, why are we so devastated by disappointments and unprecedented occurrences? Why do we undermine our capacity to be resilient, adaptable, and better still, resourceful? Why do we place ego over confronting harsh realities that strip us of expectations, even when we know that delayed gratification is all it is?

Practically every graduate student that I speak with shares some disappointment about a failed expectation regarding their current experiences. So many people feel that nobody told them enough about the hurdles that lay ahead. Nobody really tells you how grueling combining work and academics can be. Nobody warns you that you might fall ill and need more than medical insurance can cover for a procedure. Skies! Nobody told me that I’d be unable to get ‘student employment’ for a whole semester, despite my robust skillset that, quite frankly, is more advanced than most of the positions require. Nobody told me how sometimes, being an international student in the U.S. is like being two steps behind your peers by default. Nobody told me that in many ways, I was starting life anew. This means unlearning, relearning, and sometimes, reliving processes and stages that I was sure I’d completed years ago. After all the informational interviews that I had with international graduate students before coming over, nobody thought to tell me?

Here is the thing: NOBODY WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING EVEN WHEN THEY MEAN TO. That academic program, job, fellowship, mentoring relationship, or business will throw more at you than you came prepared for. It will test you at the core of your being. It will mock the training you thought you had and spit in the face of the progress you thought you’d made. You will spend far more time than you care for at the crossroads. You will faint. You will crack. You will lose a thing or two. You will question your “why”.

Here’s another thing: EVERYTHING WITHIN YOU IS SUFFICIENT FOR BUILDING A WAY OUT OF THE BINDS THAT LITTER YOUR PATH TO GREATNESS. Firstly, you cannot let disappointment be more than a fleeting emotion and a learning point. You cannot let surprise be a stop sign. You must be a seeker of knowledge, of good counsel, of constructive criticism, of experiences that defy your safety nets, and of proactive ways to show up for your aspirations. You must not equate every unexpected event with misfortune. You must be brutally honest with yourself and discerningly so with others. Carry the consciousness that what you know is never all there is to know about a thing. Apply discretion in choosing what knowledge to pursue.

For me, the greatest manifestation of this has been my experience as an African international graduate student in a field that is dynamic, global-reaching, competitive, and steeped in diversity. So, in the spirit of exploring and optimizing intersectionality, let me do others a little favor.

3 things nobody tells you about being an African, female, international student in North America.

1. Being an International Student can be Extremely Challenging but Transforming!

As Bankole Williams once said to me, “repetition enhances retention.” If you’re an international student in the U.S., better retain this point. The F1 and J1 visa statuses come with so many limitations, especially when it comes to exploring career opportunities, compared with your peers. You may not be eligible for half the jobs you see, and even when you are, you’ll find that your future need for work sponsorship can be a real stumbling block. Nobody might teach you about tax and finance systems in the U.S. – something you cannot afford to take for granted. Challenges you’d face in accessing financial benefits and assistance could fill the next two pages.

For me, I have learned to seek out information on everything that is relevant to my pursuits. I ask recommended authorities (student services, career services, etc.). I ask fellow graduate students. I ask responsible people who were international students and have now settled into careers. I try to be as proactive as possible about career opportunities and building enabling relationships as organically as possible. I strive to be competent and to build practical skills as I gather knowledge. I share what I learn with others who need to learn the same. I exercise faith and confidence in the journey that I am on. I am mindful that overcoming these hurdles would have built me into a better, more brazen version of myself.

2. Your Life will be littered with so Many “First Times”!

In the last year, I have been intentional about experiencing a wide range of tastes and textures in life. I maintain my excitement about the world and the people around me, deliberately curating exciting moments. I allow little moments to shock me, and I unashamedly bask in registering the new sensations, emotions, and inclinations that they kindle in me.

The first time it was so cold that I saw my breath, I made a video of myself singing and laughing. The first time it snowed, I captured every bit of my exhilaration. I went all out for my first Halloween party and won the scariest costume contest. I moaned every time my palette got introduced to the flavors from foods I’d never had. I made my first Cape Verdean friend, then my first Sierra Leonean friend, then my first group of Pakistani friends… this list goes on. Having not driven since I got here, I enjoyed the hell out of riding a lawn tractor. Don’t let your “firsts” slip into oblivion. You’ll need the memories.

3. Your Dating Pool Doesn’t Necessarily Expand!

The above statement is to say that cultural differences can be stark. Some of my favorite YouTubers are interracial couples that I’ve come to admire. So, I figured that throwing myself into a country as populated and diverse as the United States would expand my dating pool. It’s still true in many ways, but it is truer that I have been shocked out of my mind about how blatantly different my values and culture are from other people’s. It’s great that I’m exploring platonic friendships and professional interactions, but dating is a whole different thing. Everything from upbringing and mannerisms to ideas about marriage and spicy food is an interesting jigsaw puzzle with some really oddly shaped pieces.

Let’s just say that I’m still open-minded, but I am no longer delusional about thinking that diversity certainly means more or that I wouldn’t be working maybe twice as hard to straighten out these cultural kinks in this new dating scene.

Thank you for hanging out with me on Day 2 of this series. I look forward to reading your thoughts and even stories on the issues raised in this piece. If you picked up a thing or two, then share it with your network, too.

Cheers!